I'm 26 and male, and all my life I've lived in relative and growing isolation that's peaked over the last five years or so. In 2009 I had a breakdown that prompted me to move to Florida to be closer to my family so that they could easier support me. Previously I had been semi-independent in upstate New York, earning enough to pay for rent but little else.
In 2010 I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist in Florida with a non-verbal learning disorder as well as depression and severe OCD. This wasn't the first time I'd been to a doctor for mental health problems. Several long and tedious mental evaluations as a small child are some of my first memories, and for my entire childhood I struggled in school and I knew there was something horribly wrong with me.
I felt broken, hollow, unreal and disconnected, and as if a chunk had been taken out of my brain leaving a huge cavity in my skull and leaving me inept and worthlessly slow and incompetent at anything I tried to do. These feelings persist to this day and have only gotten stronger despite prescription drugs and many dozens of hours of therapy over the years.
I had several close friends until I was ten years old. Not very many, and the relationships were awkward and childish yet fun. They occupied a lot of my time and kept me active and out doors. Then on my tenth birthday I received a computer game from my parents that I'd wanted very badly for a long time. I feel like this may have been a pivotal moment since I decided at the time to abandon my friends at the birthday party to play the game alone in my dark room.
Ever since that moment I've drifted steadily away from activity with other people, preferring video games and the internet instead. Now I feel like those things are all I really have left, except not really, because they don't satisfy me much anymore. They're just something familiar that I can distract myself with for a few hours at a time.
Now I just don't know what to do at all. It feels like a lifetime has gone by, and I've forgotten everything I'm supposed to know. I don't even know for sure if it's worth it to re-learn social skills, since I find I don't like being around most people. I have a few old friends on the internet who are more like acquaintances now. They've gotten really tired of me because of how neurotic and unstable and immature I've been with them. At least one decided a few years ago that they didn't want anything to do with me anymore, and I haven't heard much of anything from them since.
I've developed an obsession with them. To some extent I feel like they are the only real people in the world and that I'll never make better friends than they were or could have been. I'm worried that if I ever look elsewhere for companionship to make up for what they don't provide it'll be ruined because I'll always be thinking of them and what I've missed out on. I feel like without closer ties to them my life has no meaning, and that my only opportunity for personal satisfaction is gone.
I know to some extent this feeling is highly irrational. Somehow even the thought of being happy with others besides these few old friends is terrifying, like it cheapens the idea of happiness or something. But I also sincerely believe it. I've come to believe that most people aren't really people in some meaningful way, or at least that I can't stand being around most of them. They seem more like animals than people to me. They're boring and simple, and often mean and gross and loud. A lot of times it feels like it physically hurts to be near them, especially in a group or crowd.
I had a lot more to say, but I also wanted to be a lot more brief about it than this. It took a supreme effort to write this much, but here's what I really wanted to say. I feel like I'm steadily approaching the end. There's a constant storm inside of me that manifests in real physical aches and pains. Despite conscious efforts to fix myself, to correct and compensate for my psychosis, everything is worse now. I feel close to losing all patience, and even my grip on reality. If I had a quick and easy way to kill myself I would have undoubtedly used it long ago.
It's strange how much I long to touch and be touched. Not in a sexual way, not what-so-ever, I don't even have much of a sex drive. But just the thought of simple physical intimacy has become mystical in my mind. My bones ache and I feel like the only cure is the warmth of another person. I feel like gender wouldn't even matter that much, even though I'm straight and would prefer a woman. What matters is the contact and intimacy itself, regardless of who its with.
But that's not something I believe I'll ever have, not the least of which because I'm so terrified of and genuinely hate it. I hate the oily, slimy feel of skin and I find most people semi-repulsive, physically and spiritually. So what is there for me? Just more coldness and darkness.