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About Deviant Artist Member Austin A. MaynardMale/United States Recent Activity
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I'm twenty-seven and I still feel like a child. I hate myself for it because I don't think I should feel that way. Like I need to cry, or to be held, to be properly 'cheered up' by someone who smiles and hugs and plays and makes me feel special and safe. Who is going to really be there for me like that? Once you're grown up they stop caring about you, it seems. They're guarded, uncomfortable, ashamed of you. Or maybe they don't, but you still have to compete with all the cute and loveable little people who need help just as desperately as you. On top of that depression makes it so much easier to be unlikeable, putt-offish, a bore, frustrating. It's difficult to tell who is real and who is faking for attention or parasitism.

I think I understand one thing now, though. In this epidemic of depression and suicide I think the role of technology may be unstressed. It's definitely stressed, but perhaps not enough. I know in my case one of the worst things is constantly feel like I live in a small house on a tiny island floating in absolute empty space. I cling to my internet connection for dear life, and it IS a lifeline. When it or the power goes down I find myself utterly derailed. It's funny because even if I'd planned for or could do other things like chores or reading or going for a walk or a swim, etc, A lot of times what I do instead is I panic slightly and just pace there waiting for the connection to come back. Even if there's nothing I want to do online, I must have it back. Without it truly feels like an gigantic part of me has been cut off.

Fascinating shit.
That thing in the corner
Will it still be there?
You never went back to double check
And you never plan to

That thing in the corner
Was it even really there?
You looked once and thought you saw it slink behind the crumbling stone gargoyle
Betwixt the rusty iron bars and the high wall
Beneath the ancient vaulted ceiling ready to fall
But you had places to be

That thing in the corner
Is it unlike the solitary ghoul
Which heroes neglected to discover
Was locked in a trunk in a dank cellar?
Might it not undo all they have achieved?

That thing in the corner
Were you right to let it be?
Be it may that you had things to do that were very important
At least now that you know what to fear above all else
You know what not to
I hope I can make a complete thought out of this. I've been locked into this bad pattern for so long. I often feel like I want to write stories, or poems, or essays, or songs. Years ago I used to let myself do it. I was lazy and overconfident but I still managed to get down several tens of thousands of words, more than I've ever written since then. Nowadays I still feel the desire, but it's polluted with shame, guilt, and fear. I feel it as a yearning, and as a kind of stinging pain that set's my teeth on edge and tenses the muscles in my chest and back as if I was face to face with a mad dog. The dull ache of focusing on a blank page starts to throb.

I think the worst thing is it happens now even when I try to read. I used to read a lot, and I think that helped me write a lot. Reading helps to inspire, and also to bolster vocabulary. I find myself at such a loss for words these days, I know what I need is to read more. But when I try to read I can't focus. I'm always dissecting what I read, analyzing it, resenting and envying and using it as fuel for self hatred. I think to myself:

"Why aren't YOU writing? Isn't that what you want? Haven't you got to start now if you want to outdo this masterwork? But what chance do you, have anyway? Is writing really what you want? You never write, so you must not want to be writer. Aren't you really just a pleb? A prole? A degenerate with no ambition or patience or virtue? Isn't that why you have no useful skills? Isn't that why you know you must eventually take your own life? You are no use to anyone! You will die or you will be a homeless failure caked in dirt and shame!"

It's so rare that I can quiet my mind enough to enjoy anything for its own sake, in the moment, much less enjoy reading. The only things that come close are movies, music and video games. These are how I spend much of my free time. I am immersed more easily in these things, and I'm less easy to distract. They are my escape for hours. In many ways they are my primary reason for living. Yet they are not a perfect refuge. Not at all. Cruel moments always come when I think:

"This is so wonderful. This is so spectacularly wonderful, and who knows how many people don't know about it, or don't appreciate it for what it's truly worth! What could there be to demonstrate to them the glory hidden beneath the surface of their imagination? Words? Words! I must find the words!"

Then the moment passes, I remember how afraid I am of everything and everyone, and I go back to slowly vegetating.
I used to think I wanted to be a theoretician. A philosopher. Then I realized how complicated life really is. No part of it is simple. Nothing follows only one rule. If you want to be honest with yourself and still figure anything out you might have to second guess 'till the end of your life, and even then there's no guarantee you'll understand. Some people can do that, or think they can. Some people enjoy it. Not me. Sometimes I think I do, but then I try to do it and eventually begin to contemplate suicide. I need to learn to think much less and live so much more. That's dangerous, but perhaps not so dangerous as being safe, dying slowly in a corner.
Once enough pain has been inflicted on someone their only satisfaction is to likewise inflict it on others. Once a burdensome piece of knowledge has been shared with them their only relief is to share it with someone else, preferably many. In sharing and inflicting they ensure that they do not suffer alone.

deviantID

Fan-tastic
Austin A. Maynard
Artist
United States
I'm twenty-seven and I still feel like a child. I hate myself for it because I don't think I should feel that way. Like I need to cry, or to be held, to be properly 'cheered up' by someone who smiles and hugs and plays and makes me feel special and safe. Who is going to really be there for me like that? Once you're grown up they stop caring about you, it seems. They're guarded, uncomfortable, ashamed of you. Or maybe they don't, but you still have to compete with all the cute and loveable little people who need help just as desperately as you. On top of that depression makes it so much easier to be unlikeable, putt-offish, a bore, frustrating. It's difficult to tell who is real and who is faking for attention or parasitism.

I think I understand one thing now, though. In this epidemic of depression and suicide I think the role of technology may be unstressed. It's definitely stressed, but perhaps not enough. I know in my case one of the worst things is constantly feel like I live in a small house on a tiny island floating in absolute empty space. I cling to my internet connection for dear life, and it IS a lifeline. When it or the power goes down I find myself utterly derailed. It's funny because even if I'd planned for or could do other things like chores or reading or going for a walk or a swim, etc, A lot of times what I do instead is I panic slightly and just pace there waiting for the connection to come back. Even if there's nothing I want to do online, I must have it back. Without it truly feels like an gigantic part of me has been cut off.

Fascinating shit.

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:iconphilippel:
philippeL Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the fav :)
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AuldBlue Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for faving! <3
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Life-takers-crayons Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2015
Thanks for the fav :)
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Rainspeak Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the faves! :)
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Kajm Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thank thee for thy faveth!
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MartonSzucsStudio Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2014
Thanks for FAVE.
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Lasiral Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2014
Thanks for the fav on my Aquilamon cosplay :D
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olearysfunphotos Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank You for the favorite on "The Spirit of Mark Twain"
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Pheagle-Adler Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014
:iconfaveplz:
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Niittylilja Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Thanks for the fave, I truly appreciate it.
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